Comedy Central Presents...

Add a Comment

Comment by Cherish Moondancer on July 1, 2009 at 9:23pm

Comment by Cherish Moondancer on June 30, 2009 at 1:53pm

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this
> > congregation has
> > spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a
> > horrible
> > lie and one which
> > a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not
> > intend to accept
> > this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask
> > forgiveness
> > from God and
> > this Christian Family.'
> >
> > No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to
> > face
> > me and admit
> > this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your
> > heart
> > you will feel glory.
> > Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again all was quiet.
> >
> > Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would
> > stop
> > traffic rose from
> > the third pew.
> >
> > Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend
> > there has been a
> > terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku
> >
> > Klux Klan. I simply
> > told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the
> > sheets....'
> >
> > The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the
> > congregation
> > roared.

Comment by ThatCrazyLady on June 24, 2009 at 11:08pm

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye ---
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts..
Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations ---
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba---
Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry if I want To.
And Last but NOT least...
Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

Comment by Cherish Moondancer on June 16, 2009 at 10:28pm

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an
0D
answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."


º°'°º ?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°



After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
(I think I know somebody like that!)

?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us." (This makes perfect sense to me!)

?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?A°'°º?o,,,,o?

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°

Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"



º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º


The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook."

?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°

This is the best one.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"

Comment by Cherish Moondancer on June 16, 2009 at 10:05pm

It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea . It is raining,and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody isin debt, and everybody lives on credit.. Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, andgoes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one. The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to thebutcher. The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the piggrower. The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to thesupplier of his feed and fuel. The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay hisdebt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services"on credit. The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro noteto the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when shebrought her clients there. The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so thatthe rich tourist will not suspect anything. At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, andtakes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms,and leaves town. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, andlooks to the future with a lot of optimism.. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doingbusiness today.

Comment by Cherish Moondancer on June 1, 2009 at 7:05pm

Computer trouble!

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.

Comment by Cherish Moondancer on May 29, 2009 at 8:51pm

Grandparents


1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under
the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd
done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and
started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you
forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never
put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper
good-bye...

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy
Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62.
My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked,
"Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother
changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to
wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and
more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she
threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the
room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what
her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside
on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a
tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild
raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed,
taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to
know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I
mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we
alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
grandfather's word processor. She told him she was
writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out
something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and
was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At
last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think
you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin,
we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from
attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.
Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa.
Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly
replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says
I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her
grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to
make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little
surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said,
"how do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add
'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a
public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The
teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't
you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means
carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to
their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use
the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
"Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want
her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her
visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good
good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart
as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you
hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Comment by Cherish Moondancer on May 22, 2009 at 7:30pm

No e-mails today
I can't respond to any emails today…
Something has crashed on my computer

and the mouse is missing.

Comment by Cherish Moondancer on May 21, 2009 at 11:32pm

Pun Intended:
>
>
> 1. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
>
> 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
>
>
> 3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still..
>
>
> 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
>
>
> 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
>
>
> 6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
>
>
> 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for litter ing.
>
>
> 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.
>
>
> 9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
>
>
> 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
>
>
> 11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
>
>
> 12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
>
>
> 13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
>
>
> 14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
>
>
> 15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: "Keep off the Grass."
>
>
> 16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
>
>
> 17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
>
>
> 18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
>
>
> 19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
>
>
> 20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
>
>
> 21. A backward poet writes in verse.
>
>
> 22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
>
>
> 23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Comment by Cherish Moondancer on May 20, 2009 at 4:13pm

Anyone who has ever called for tech service should get a charge out of this one.




I think I've talked to this guy....





Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .


The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a short while and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green ,
and I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

• First
• Previous
• Next
• Last